What I’ve Learned

Welcome to Carried Wisdom

I researched my first pregnancy carefully. I still had to learn how to recognize good care, ask for answers and build support I could rely on. This is what I learned, what I’m doing differently now and the research behind both.

Before anything else

First, I have to give thanks to the Lord God Almighty. Becoming a mother and experiencing pregnancy has been the greatest blessing of my life. As I share this, I’m seeking His peace and His covering.

Sometimes my anxiety leads me to over-document. My greatest hope is that this resource is useful, and that you take it into prayer so God can guide you and help you discern what’s most relevant for your story, your child and your family.

It’s good to plan and set goals, but I believe God is ultimately in control of every part of our lives. I’m grateful that He gives us the desire to seek knowledge, to keep learning and to do the best we can for our families. My hope is that everything shared here is used according to His plan, and that it brings you joy, understanding and greater blessing for your family.

What I learned

In my first pregnancy, I thought I had a formula. I researched hospitals by their cesarean rates and their outcomes for Black mothers. And I believed the plan ended with finding the right provider: someone who would teach me, coach me and love me through this process.

I found a provider, but I didn’t get the relationship I had hoped for. By the end of that pregnancy, I was the one keeping track: 32 numbered written questions, my own blood pressure readings, calls to confirm referrals had arrived.

I thought I had chosen the right doctor. The signs that I hadn’t came one at a time: my doctor seemed cold, the details of my care weren’t being tracked, the loss of one of my twins early in that pregnancy was downplayed and it became harder to get my questions answered. I saw my doctor less often and didn’t understand how responsibility was shared with the physician assistant. When I was told I didn’t need to come to maternal-fetal medicine (the high-risk pregnancy specialists) for every appointment, only for scans, I asked what my doctor recommended. The answer was that it was my choice. I stayed, for continuity of care.

What I didn’t see was how it was all adding up. By the time it felt as negative as it was, I was late in my third trimester.

I had resources. Good insurance got me quick appointments with almost anyone I needed, I could pay for extra help, and my company health benefits included pregnancy support. I’m not sure I used them well. In my second pregnancy, I also had a nurse case manager through my insurance, and that helped some.

That’s what this series is for: the information and the strategy to notice what’s adding up sooner, make the best decision for yourself when it counts and build care relationships that are good for you.

What I’m doing differently

Asking for the physician responsible for my pregnancy by name, in writing.
Keeping my own copies of my records.
Logging my blood pressure, with the thresholds for calling in writing.
Taking low-dose aspirin, with my clinician’s approval, because I had preeclampsia, a serious blood pressure condition, after my first birth.
Arranging my postpartum care before delivery, not after.

Key points

In 2024, Black women in the U.S. died of maternal causes at about 3.2 times the rate of white women. Save the CDC’s urgent maternal warning signs in your phone, with your provider’s after-hours number beside them, and keep them for a year after birth.
In a 2023 CDC survey, nearly 45% of respondents held back questions or concerns during maternity care. Bring your questions in writing, most urgent first.
In birth notes from two hospitals, nearly 3 in 10 patients had language in their charts labeling them difficult. Request your visit notes, not just your test results, and read them.

How to use it

Each post takes one problem, from choosing a hospital to feeding. Some follow a story; others are practical guides. Throughout, I separate what happened to me, what my records say and what the research can tell us. Where I paid for help, I point to free or lower-cost options.

You don’t have to run this alone. The tools in later posts (a care team sheet, a records folder, a symptom log and recap messages after visits) can all be run by someone else: a partner, a doula or a family member. In a post, wherever you see a list of things to track, ask who in your life can own it.

Each entry is a separate post, in the order I’d read them. “How I’m Preparing for My Next Pregnancy” (1) is my full plan, step by step. “Help That Costs Less, or Nothing” (25) gathers covered, free and lower-cost resources, with search terms for finding help in any state. Every post ends with the next one to read.

Building your care