What helped me feel safe, the advice I stay away from and where to get help
After my first child was born, I needed reassurance that my baby was safe. Faith helped me, but it did not mean I stopped being frightened. This is what I’ve learned about asking for support.
Fear and faith
The loss I carried in. My first pregnancy began with twins, and I lost one early. (I write about it in “Losing One Twin and Carrying the Other.”) I carry it into this pregnancy.
The fear this time. In the first weeks of this pregnancy, I went looking for direct information on how to prevent a miscarriage, and asked what “heavy lifting” actually meant. I wanted something I could control. Then the high-risk practice caring for me cancelled my prenatal care in my first trimester, and for a time I didn’t know who my doctor was. I wrote to the practice that I was “experiencing significant stress related to the disruption surrounding my prenatal care along with recent light cramping.” I was asking for a doctor, and also for some way to feel safe.
The faith. Faith is central to how I understand what I’ve been through and what I hope for. I’ve leaned on prayer, scripture and the people who pray with me. There’s a reassurance I received in prayer that I still come back to, and I carry real hope for the baby I’m carrying now.
What helps, and what I’m still learning
- I’m learning to tell my support people what helps me feel safe, specifically, without feeling like a burden for asking.
- I try to say the worries that keep coming back out loud, to a clinician or someone I trust.
Key points
- In CDC’s 2017–2019 review of pregnancy-related deaths from 36 states, mental health conditions were the leading underlying cause, at 22.7% of deaths with a known cause. Answer mental health screenings honestly, and tell a clinician about any worry that keeps coming back.
- In an uncomplicated pregnancy, the American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists (ACOG) says your usual physical activity doesn’t increase the risk of miscarriage. If you’re afraid of causing a loss, ask: “Is there anything I should actually avoid?”
- The National Maternal Mental Health Hotline is free and open 24/7: call or text 1-833-TLC-MAMA. Save it in your phone, and in your partner’s, now.
After my first child was born, I lived with an intense fear that something would go wrong. It made trusting caregivers hard. I needed reassurance, often more than once, and I didn’t always know how to ask for it without feeling like a burden.
If you need help
- Ask for a mental health screening at prenatal and postpartum visits, and answer honestly.
- Find someone who works with pregnancy loss if grief is still with you. The Postpartum Support International (PSI) Perinatal Mental Health Directory lets you search by insurance and ZIP code, with keywords such as “perinatal loss” or “trauma recovery.”
- Find a group. PSI also runs a HelpLine (call or text 1-800-944-4773) and more than 50 online support groups led by trained facilitators, including groups for loss and grief in pregnancy and postpartum.
Take this back
To discuss with your care team:
- Is there anything about my pregnancy that means I should limit activity?
- I keep worrying about the same things. Who can I talk to?
- Can you screen me for anxiety or depression?
To discuss with the people in your life: When I’m scared, what should I say so you know how to help? Will you pray with me, or sit with me, when I ask?
What I hold onto
I’ve learned to be wary of advice that makes a loss sound preventable. I went looking for exactly that kind of advice, because I wanted control. But it leaves grieving parents carrying blame that isn’t theirs.
And I’ve learned it’s okay to say I’m frightened. Not knowing who your doctor is, in an active pregnancy, is frightening. I said so in writing to the people coordinating my care, and asked for my symptoms to reach a clinician.
Don’t wait if
Thoughts of harming yourself or your baby need immediate help. If you or your baby may be in immediate danger, call 911 or go to the nearest emergency department. In the U.S., you can call 988 or text 988 for crisis support. For non-emergency emotional support, call or text the National Maternal Mental Health Hotline at 1-833-TLC-MAMA (1-833-852-6262), free and available 24/7. It is not a crisis line.
Next in the series: “Accounts I Follow”
